As our neighbourhood fences got higher, our involvement with communities lessened. Nowadays, when we hear a knock on the door, most think it’s an inconvenience rather than a pleasant surprise. As humanity became more focused on self and our immediate family, we forgot we are tribal creatures, regardless of how extroverted or introverted our personality. We need connection, and many crave to feel part of something, to hold a true sense of belonging.
As motivational speaker Brené Brown says, cultivating a more profound sense of belonging starts with accepting our ever-evolving self, getting to know the shadow aspects of our personality so they don’t run unconsciously, and understanding our strengths and how we can contribute and add our unique essence to the alchemy of the whole in any community.
One of the scariest things can be the fear of being outcast from a tribe. It’s a profoundly primal survival terror that many hold. It dates to our ancestors when being kicked out literally could mean death from lack of group protection. Nowadays, it’s not usually the case, but it can be extremely exposing and unstable for our nervous system, and traumatic if that happens.
To feel safe enough to be part of something bigger means being present in one’s body (embodied). To be truly present means that you choose to face what is presently showing up in your life, however scary. It involves being brave enough to take radical responsibility for all your life choices and to express authentically, however vulnerable that makes you. The ability to self-reflect around past traumas while having the courage not to let past experiences define how you see the world. It is common for humans to place a mask of our past on another human being who stands before us. Feeling safe and secure takes a lifetime of work and starts from within; it’s an inside job.
A world of fear
Many fears can come up around joining something new – about rejection, abandonment, or not being liked. Everyone has their own journey with these everyday worries, and it takes a radical shift in awareness, whether life imposes that on us through repetitive experiences or we destroy it from within with somatic movement, psychological support and self-realisation. The more rigid the mind and body, the harder life must hit us with experiences to awaken us to newer versions of being and seeing in the world.
I got hit hard a few years back.
Just before the pandemic, I faced a traumatic and life-evolving experience. I was then forced into spending months at home alone with no physical connection. My mind got pretty dark, so I changed my diet, danced out my rage and frustration, and got online support with an authentic expression class. Over this time, my only real physical connection was with nature, and it was in nature that I felt the love I needed as I meditated for hours daily.
As soon as the airports opened, I literally ran away like a little girl, went on a solo adventure for two years, and tramped mountains with significant anxiety around poisonous snakes and spiders, believing I could potentially die, and no one would find my body. I sat on deserted beaches and swam in shark-infested waters by myself. I did life alone, cried myself to sleep, broke sticks on my knees, chucked rocks like a cavewoman, and screamed naked under freezing, raging waterfalls.
In every city and town, I turned up to the ecstatic dances alone, to people I didn’t know and watched people hug their friends while I craved the same attention. I left the dances many times upset, but after a while, I stopped caring about crying in front of people as I processed my pre-lockdown trauma. I just stayed the whole dance with mascara running down my face. The vulnerability began to open my heart, and was accepted in and hugged (yay!)
This deep work of accepting myself as I am, made me see authentic relating as the only real way of living well. Expressing my authentic emotion post-trauma allowed me to open up to being part of something bigger than myself again. After travelling solo around Australia on some sort of self-generated pilgrimage back to my heart, I realised that although I love being by myself, I also love to be with others, to help and to be helped, to love and be loved. I moved back to Aotearoa New Zealand, and bought a tiny home in a wellness and Earth-regenerative community.
Living in community
Living in an intentional community is really only for people willing to be openly transparent and love unconditionally. Think of it like a personal development workshop on steroids. You must be open to expressing yourself authentically and be held accountable when you are not your best version of yourself. Radical responsibility is the name of the game, and it can feel edgy when I have to look at how I respond and try to control outcomes.
I don’t know how often I have told myself, “Little girl Justine, I know you want to run, but I got you, and I choose to stay.” Stepping into the discomfort as you see parts of your ego dying is uncomfortable; watching an old belief or behavioural pattern being called out by those around you is incredibly confronting but extremely rewarding.
If I speak up, will I still be liked? Can I lean into conflict and speak my truth, or will I be ousted from my tribe? Being in a supportive environment is not about everyone thinking or acting the same way but more about whether there is an allowance for diversity of beings and enough self-awareness to allow people to thrive as they are and lift them up to grow. It’s about having enough patience, forgiveness, and courage for radical accountability.
When choosing a community to live in, it’s essential to learn what aligned values people have with your own and to have a shared vision, something that binds you enough to push through tough times. The community I am part of is not aligned with any particular faith but rather our love for the environment and our passion to leave this place better than we found it.
Being part of a group
In a world of over-giving, sometimes it can feel like an overstretch to give our time to a community project. But certain things energise rather than take from. Being part of a community, whether a dance group, sports team, spiritual group, or charity project, is enriching. After working with many people around purpose and passion, I began to understand that pain and suffering’s purpose is to interrupt your life. Without a sense of purpose, whether judged as impactful or not, life will feel very bland, and your entire being begins to lack vitality. This all has a cascading effect on all areas of life.
The modern entrepreneurial mindset seems to suggest that we must make money off our passions. If that is the case, then amazing, but just being part of a community where you get to be of service, get healthy together, have a good chat about something that lights you up, and feel connected with people is vital for overall wellness.
If you are going through tough times, just being part of a group where you can talk about emotions your partner can’t always meet is fantastic to lighten your being. If you are miserable and want to feel better about your life, I promise you that joining a tree-planting group or offering to help volunteer at an event that supports wellness will help you with an extra kick of oxytocin to the brain. When you are willing to open up to a deeper connection, you might skip away with a broader scope of how giving love is also receiving it.
I encourage you to join a community project and dare you to live more closely with your neighbours. Why not take the risk of not always being liked? In the process, you might find you are truly loved.
