Claiming Your Right to Pleasure 

Women’s pleasure has long been a source of consternation, confusion, or worse, apathy in society.

In Victorian times, it was discovered that “hysteria” in women could be cured by having a doctor provide the patient with a medical pelvic massage until she suffered a “hysterical paroxysm” – what we would call an orgasm.  Doctors marvelled at the fact that such “paroxysms” could cure common complaints such as fatigue, mild depression, irritability and insomnia.  

While we believe ourselves to be more open-minded than our Victorian ancestors, it would still be rare for a doctor to prescribe a decent orgasm to assist with insomnia today! 

At Good Vibe, we are wanting to break down any shame or awkwardness around female pleasure by helping women discover what brings them pleasure – be it on their own or with a partner.  With studies showing that women are more likely to achieve orgasms from stimulation in addition to penetrative intercourse, the introduction of toys designed to bring greater satisfaction can be a game-changer.

Here is Good Vibe’s guide to claiming your pleasure:

1. Explore

Sometimes it is easy to lose sight of what brings us pleasure – whether it be following a long period of solo time or even after decades of being with the same partner.  Add to that the pressures of modern life, health issues or hormonal fluctuations and reconnecting with the sexual side of ourselves can sit low down on the to-do list. If you want to bring changes, we recommend you start with an exploration phase where you take some time to remember what it was that brought you pleasure in the past.  

This part of the process is all about gathering information.  What were the ingredients that were more likely to take you to the ‘finish line’ in the past? The female orgasm can be elusive, but equally, there can be precursors to orgasm that are particular to you which you innately know, yet perhaps haven’t consciously examined before.  

Ask yourself the following:

• What do I need in my surroundings to feel sexually relaxed and open? It could relate to lighting, sounds, smells, temperature, location and proximity to others.

• How and where do I like to be touched?  This can relate to your own touch or to the touch of a partner.  Do you like to get straight down to business and focus on a key erogenous zone (i.e. clitoris) or are your inner thighs or breasts your initial go-to spot?  Perhaps it is internal stimulation that works best or maybe you enjoy the sensations found in and around the anus. There is no right or wrong – this is about you acknowledging what feels right for your body. 

• What does foreplay look like to you? For some people it could involve simple kissing and caressing, for others it might be a shared bath or a massage first to set the scene. Other people might like to involve power play where they surrender to a partner’s dominance (assuming consent and safety have been clearly articulated first) while others may start the process earlier by sharing sexy text messages with their partner of what they would like to try later.  

2. Communicate (for those in a partnership)

If you have a sexual partner/s, the next step in claiming your pleasure is to be able to talk about it with them.  (If you’re flying solo, then you get to move onto the fun stuff straightaway!)

We understand that in many relationships sex is something you “do” but not something you talk about in great detail.  Maybe one or all partners have some awkwardness attached to talking about it based on how they were raised or on cultural biases, making it feel too difficult. 

However, having completed the exploration process above, you actually have some interesting observations you can share with your partner.  It could be communicated along the lines of “I realised that I enjoy sex the most with you when we have the house to ourselves and we have had a long, hot shower together first where we are taking our time kissing and touching.”  Use the information you discovered about yourself to build a picture for your partner of what ingredients you want to put in place to maximise pleasure. 

If this concept feels strange to you, then reverse the situation in your head.  Imagine instead that your partner/s shared that kind of information about their pathways to pleasure with you.  If you were wanting to have a satisfying sexual connection with them, it’s likely that you’d be open to incorporating some or all of those aspects into your future intimate moments.

3. Experiment

The experiment stage is the fun part!  Take what you learned about yourself in step one and look at ways to apply it.  

If it’s all about clitoral stimulation for you, check out sex toys which offer rabbit ears or a clitoral suction cup.  Clitoral suction using air pressure is a relatively new addition to the adult toy world and is, unsurprisingly, proving to be popular.  

Bringing in some action to the clitoris during sex can be transformative as the likelihood of orgasm is much higher.  You can achieve this using a wand vibrator which offers wide-spread vibrations around the whole vulva due to the size of the head.  Or, if you like a more pinpoint style of stimulation, look for a bullet or a vibrator with a smaller tip.  These toys work well when used in both kneeling or side-lying with entry from behind positions.

Another option to consider during sex is a vibrating cock ring.  These are designed to restrict blood flow around the base of the penis, leading to a firmer erection, while the vibrating part (which may look like rabbit ears or simply an oval disc) rests against the clitoris to bring external stimulation for her during penetration.  

For G-spot action, look for vibrators and dildos which have a distinctive upward curve on them.  These toys are used internally with a focus on stimulating the upper wall of the vagina where the G spot resides.  Several toys on the market combine G-spot stimulation with rabbit ears or suction to stimulate the clitoris simultaneously and can bring what is referred to as a blended orgasm.

If you don’t like vibrations, you could try a glass or silicone dildo.  Some people don’t like the distracting noise of a vibrator, or they struggle with vibrations pushing them into a state of oversensitivity…making orgasm even harder to achieve.  If you still want to enjoy the sensation of penetration with a toy, glass dildos can be heated or cooled to add a different element depending on season or your preference.  Dildos can be used solely during foreplay to stimulate or include them during penetration (vaginal or anal) to change the experience for both parties.   

If you are in a partnership and like a laugh when it comes to sex, try a remote-controlled toy.  The dynamic changes entirely once you hand the remote to one partner and they control the sensations. Some people like to have a play with remote-controlled toys while they are out and about – obviously you need to choose your location wisely so that the muffled buzzing noise doesn’t attract attention!  Used this way, the toy becomes part of a longer foreplay, ramping up sensations for the wearer and increasing the anticipation for both parties for what might come later.  Some remote-controlled toys are designed to also be used during penetrative sex so that both parties can enjoy the buzz at the same time.

If you struggle to concentrate during sex, try wearing a blindfold and either use music to mask distracting sounds or even put in earplugs (not sexy but do what suits you!)  Taking sight out of the equation can enhance sensation for some people as it narrows the focus down to the part of the body being touched.  We’d also advise you to lock pets out of the bedroom too as a loud miaow or bark at an inopportune moment can be frustrating!

If you know you enjoy ‘backdoor action’, try a butt plug.  These can include vibrators within the plug and, crucially, are designed to not get lost inside (if you know any ER nurses, they will tell you this is an actual concern!)  If you don’t want the full butt plug experience, you can instead use a vibrator around the anus to stimulate and excite too…just make sure that before it is used in the vagina, you clean it thoroughly.

Take your time getting used to any new changes and find a good lubricant!

f you decide to incorporate toys into your sex life, it’s okay if you find you need to get used to the level of stimulation produced.  If you haven’t experienced how intense vibrations can be, use the lowest settings and perhaps take a breather periodically to let the sensations mellow a bit. (But obviously if it all feels just glorious, don’t hold back!)  

Good Vibe recommend you experiment to find a lubricant that gives you a smoother ride. Look for those which use natural ingredients and are designed to not mess with your natural pH balance.  Good Vibe has curated an environmentally conscious range of sex toys, lubricants and sexual wellbeing products, presented in our sleaze-free online store.

Sponsored article by Good Vibe visit them at goodvibe.co.nz.