Photography Todd Eyre
It’s been a year or so between catchups for Nici Wickes and Good magazine. And the past 18 months have bucked the beloved bestselling cookbook author around enough to cause a few unwelcome dismounts, figuratively speaking.
Wickes says she was in a great headspace following the success of her book A Quiet Kitchen, so she was surprised at how unsettled she felt after Cyclone Gabrielle hit the small community of Port Waikato where she lives.
Her follow-up book, More from A Quiet Kitchen – out now – is an antidote to that time, and a continuum of a conversation she started in book one.
“I felt I had only just begun talking about some things that I hadn’t ever spoken about publicly, and the support and feedback I had from readers was that that was really helpful for other people in their lives as well,” Nici says. “Yes, there are recipes for cooking for one or two, but there’s also content around how to happily live alone, getting the best out of life and what I do when I experience low moods.”
Loneliness and solitude
Nici is quick to point out that living alone hasn’t caused the loneliness or depression that she has experienced in the past.
“Solitude and loneliness are very different, but sometimes people get them confused. When you are living alone, people often feel sorry for you,” she says. “But I don’t find it sad in any way. It feels like a celebration and a rejoicing for me – but there’s that cliché of the woman that lives alone with her cat. I just don’t identify with that at all. I do live alone, and I have a lot of aloneness, but that doesn’t often transcend into loneliness.”
At times, when loneliness does pay a visit – “that terrible gouging-out feeling of loneliness” – she reminds herself that being alone is part of life; it doesn’t need to be feared. “People in relationships experience loneliness, too,” she says.
“I’m curious when I hear scientists and people talking about loneliness as an epidemic and that the antidote to that is for people to join groups, see other people, etc,” says Nici. “I wouldn’t start from there. I’d personally start connecting with yourself. There are plenty of people who are really sociable and yet they’re not that connected with themselves, so they can experience loneliness as well. I think people need to start learning about themselves because if you can keep yourself company, you will undoubtedly have fewer lonely days in your life.”
Buck up your little pony
When Cyclone Gabrielle “knocked the naivety out of” her, Nici initially found herself dealing with feelings of uncertainty and helplessness despite being lucky that her home was mostly unaffected.
It felt as though Mother Nature had become truly unpredictable and fierce, making her feel very out of control.
After a while, she realised she needed to “buck up her little pony” or risk becoming emotionally stuck in the weather event that devastated so many.
“It’s a tricky one because I think wallowing is fine and sometimes you are the victim. We were the victim of a climatic crisis. You need to look after yourself, and you’re allowed to wallow, but at some point, that stops being useful. It’s the same after break-ups, or job losses, or tragic events. I’ve had quite a long tail in my life of getting over things, but I’m speeding up the process now because I’m getting older, and I’ve got more techniques at my fingertips.”
Her path to healing was to turn towards Mother Nature by spending more time outdoors. She continued her daily year-round dips in the ocean and embarked on hill walks “to embrace and be part of it”.
She also bought a kitset spa pool, which she assembled in the backyard, and discovered that sitting in her spa under the vast galaxy of stars was very helpful. “You just feel like you’re part of a much, much greater whole and, at the same time, a tiny speck. When nature sort of smacks you around, it’s a surprise because we, as humans, like to feel we’re in control of our destiny, and I think I had to really surrender to that and say, ‘I’m not.’”
It’s the little things
During unsettling times, Nici focuses on the simple things, like making her immediate surroundings more pleasant.
She does little things to make herself happy, including putting flowers in her bathroom, replacing the old kitchen sponge with a new one, decluttering, heating up milk for a decaf coffee, rearranging the furniture, or sweeping the floor.
Mostly, she’ll cook through troubled days because an ingredient, an aroma, a flavour, the sound of cooking – the sizzle of bacon, the “blip-blop” of something simmering – seems to ground her.
Savvy solutions
In a world where everyone is time-poor, and there is a cost-of-living crisis, the “Get Savvy” chapter in Nici’s new book is timely. It offers a collection of economical and delicious recipes using inexpensive everyday ingredients.
Her first piece of money-saving advice is learning to cook and eat only what’s in season.
One of her latest “go-to” recipes is Green Spaghetti – “the fastest hassle-free pick-me-up there is” – made with raw spinach or silverbeet, fresh herbs and parmesan.
Nici finds cooking calms her… slowly handling food, peeling a potato… and thinks the sounds of cooking and the aromas are primal – like staring into the flames of a fire.
“Cooking for me is soothing, and my recipes are intended to soothe others. I know that some people don’t find cooking relaxing, so I make recipes that are as uncomplicated and as forgiving as possible.”
The day we speak, she’s making comforting and warming soup for some neighbours. When it comes to cooking for others, she recommends keeping things simple: cook something that you’re familiar with and will do well, or go and buy a heat-and-eat if time doesn’t allow. “Don’t stress yourself out; most people are happy with any gifted food.”
Embracing modern medicine
Nici has been on antidepressants for the past eight years and is very open about it.
“I’d just been miserable and negative for so long, and at the time, I was suffering badly from adrenal fatigue and going through menopause. I just was not able to get myself out of it,” she explains.
“I think people maybe make the mistake that they feel as though they need to endlessly suffer with melancholy or depression and somehow fix it themselves. I didn’t think I was ‘bad enough’ to seek out medication, but I was pretty bloody miserable. I was still holding down jobs, but I was four to six out of 10 most days, and it was just boring. And when I say boring, I don’t mean that in a kind of glib way – it was relentless and ground me down. Some days were slightly better than others, but I was sick of having a couple of days – maybe three days a week – that could be really ‘off’ days that I called break-up days, and I was having those a lot, and I just thought, ‘I don’t think it has to be this hard.’”
Initially, she worried the antidepressants might do some harm or alter her, but her experience was the opposite.
“I don’t feel as though taking medication for depression and anxiety has changed me at all – other than the fact that I feel I can now be the real me instead of the one that is battling with a crippling mind. You know, a mind that is constantly negatively talking to myself, telling me I’m no good, tiring myself out with overthinking and for whatever reason that is – chemical imbalance or just learned behaviour.
“And now I just feel consistently a little bit better. It doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days; it doesn’t mean I can’t cry. I still feel as though I go through the emotions, but I go through them up here, not down here,” she says, holding a hand first at shoulder level, then down by her hip.
“When I was down there, I was kind of flatlining. Now I can appropriately go through the usual emotions that a human being will go through in their lives, and I have absolutely zero regrets.”
The antidepressants have also given her a decent baseline so she can nurture her mental wellbeing with other self-care tools like swimming, walking, yoga, getting to bed early, therapy and eating well.
“When you’re in the doldrums, you can’t really do anything. It’s like having a broken leg; you can’t walk until the leg is mended. So I mended my mental health with antidepressants,” she says.
“I rarely think about stopping them now. I used to when I first started, but I presume people don’t want to come off their insulin or statins if they’re working for them.”
Her advice is to be kind to yourself, then buck up your little pony, treat yourself as you would one of the people you love and – if the usual self-care techniques aren’t working for you – maybe it’s time to seek professional advice.
She doesn’t think it’s for anybody to judge. No one knows what it is like to wake up as you. And as women age, we lose progesterone and oestrogen – our happy hormones – and “it’s not our fault. It’s a hormonal thing.
“There’s nothing easy about struggling with your mental health. And if antidepressants work for you, you’re one of the lucky ones.”
Soothing the soul
Nici loves her year-round swims – even though, in winter, the water is freezing.
“Do I want to? No, I don’t. Will I feel amazing when I come out? Yes, I will. Cold-water therapy is great, and if you don’t live by the ocean, starting with a cold shower is fantastic for your mental health and skin,” she enthuses.
“When people say, ‘How do you do it?’ I say, ‘Because everything is warm and beautiful when I get out.’”
While Nici is fairly disciplined with her daily ocean dips, she wants readers to know that she is sporadic with other self-care practices and just tries to do her best.
She loves her new spa pool, which has become another tool that helps her live in the moment and keep perspective.
“It’s changed my life. Winter is a joy now. Sinking into that warm water at the end of the day is the most soothing thing for my body and soul. And, at night, looking up, I feel bathed in the entire universe of stars.”
