If the headline drew you in, chances are that, like me, you can identify with perfectionism. You have high standards, a strong work ethic, are goal-oriented, prone to procrastination and have difficulty delegating.
It’s common for perfectionism to be accompanied by people-pleasing behaviour where you care about what others think and how you’ll be perceived. You don’t want to rock the boat. You want to make sure that everyone else around you feels okay and likes you and is at arm’s length because then, you’re safe.
Or are you? According to trauma-informed relationship specialist and coach Brooke Nolly, a “safe life” is not a safe life if it’s twisting you in knots. It’s quite the opposite.
“Perfectionists tend to hold themselves to incredibly high standards where it’s unrealistic for any human on the planet to meet them, yet they believe they should,” says Brooke. “There’s no grace or self-compassion, which can lead to anxiety, self-loathing and escapism.”
Breaking free
The first step to breaking perfectionist habits is acknowledging them, and my breakthrough moment was being shown a diagram that Brooke has created as a tool for her clients – the Infinity Loop of Self-Destruction, which, with support, leads to the Infinity Loop of Self-Actualisation (see illustration above).
In an instant, I realised, as a perfectionist, where I was spending most of my time – in a cycle of overwhelm, anxiety, emotional pain and self-berating, which I handled with escapism – overeating, alcohol and bingeing on Netflix. I was living and breathing the Infinity Loop of Self-Destruction.
The diagram also helped me see that it was not all bad. I was spending pockets of time in the Self-Actualisation Loop, too – taking some messy action towards my goals, which saw me enter what Brooke calls “the cave of clarity,” leading to momentum and motivation.
It was as if a magic spell had been broken. I had a moment of personal liberation. I’d been struggling alone, thinking I must be the only person to feel this way, so realising that countless others experience being in these loops set me free. I also came to realise how perfectionism had been holding me back and causing unnecessary anxiety and heartache.
From pain to purpose
Brooke created The Infinity Loop of Self-Destruction after experiencing it herself and seeing numerous clients suffer through this painful cycle.
The Infinity Loop of Self-Actualisation is how we move out of pain and into purpose, she explains. The hands in the diagram represent the support required to break the chains of self-destruction. Loving support gets us unstuck and on track again. That’s why she’s passionate about working with coaches, creatives and female entrepreneurs to help them break the chains of perfectionist inaction. She named her podcast Messy Action because to feel accomplished, clear and on track, we must get messy and expose ourselves. It makes us vulnerable and it’s worth it. If you show that you’re trying to do something that aligns with your values, then you’re going to gain momentum, feel proud of yourself and feel motivated to want to keep going.
“The first step is the hardest because you feel like everything will fall apart. But, really, the first step opens the door, and then you realise it was all your perceived fears and anticipatory anxiety that was stopping you. It was never an actual reality,” says Brooke. “It feels messy, but when you take action towards something that you deeply value because you understand who you are, why you’re doing it, what you want and where you’re going, you can start taking those first few steps.”
How did we get here?
According to Brooke, it starts with understanding your family of origin. How has that shaped your relational behaviours, influencing how you show up to your business or workplace and life? It stems from authority figures in our childhood – teachers and parents – and how we received love, praise and recognition from these people. This impacts our self-worth, particularly if we abandon our own needs to meet the needs of others. This pattern often leads to thinking that we’re never doing enough, we’re not enough, and our self-worth depends on our accomplishments and how we’re perceived.
Once you unpack your family of origin, you can begin to design a life in which it is safe for you to have preferences, act on them and move out of people-pleasing perfectionism.
Addiction and connection
If you identify with the Loop of Self-Destruction, you’re likely partaking in escapism. A lot of women Brooke works with have addictive tendencies – to their phones, social media, food, Netflix and/or alcohol.
“If you’re eating chocolate on the sofa or binge eating or drinking alcohol, you’re seeking reprieve and emotional connection,” Brooke explains. “There’s a quote, I don’t know who said it, but it’s always stuck with me. ‘We humans can’t get enough of something that almost works.’ “The chocolate almost works, the wine almost works, but the next day, you’ve still got to face off with yourself. Then people drink more or escape more or live life even faster.”
Many of her clients have come to her because they’ve had enough of running away from themselves and realise there must be an easier and healthier way. In the beginning, they feel a lot of obligation, a lot of ‘shoulds’: ‘I don’t really want to do this, but I have to,’ and life feels like a pressure cooker.
Moving through this experience, they can permit themselves to do what they want. To not feel bad if they say ‘no’ and give themselves permission to change their mind and not feel obligated.
“We’ve grown up in a society where you must stick to your word. That is true, but if you are on a healing journey and getting to know yourself, you will change your mind, and that is okay,” says Brooke.
Arrive at a place where you can practice self-compassion and treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Recognise that no one is perfect, and it’s okay not to meet every expectation.
Brooke’s five top tips for taking “messy action”
Journalling: Buy an A4-lined journal, pick up a pen and write three pages of whatever comes to mind. Don’t overthink it. Julia Cameron, who wrote The Artist’s Way, changed my life with this tool. Without this non-negotiable practice, I wouldn’t have a successful business or a mindful life. You can’t avoid, escape, or procrastinate for long because it’s the most honest representation of your inner world. It’s messy, and it’s you. Trust the words on the pages.
Meditation and mindfulness: Meditation is the most important self-love tool. I cannot exaggerate this enough. Start with three minutes. Start with one minute. Just start. If you fall off the wagon, get back on. Consistency is key. This is the primary foundation for all focus, emotional stability and mental clarity. Trust me on this one.
Understand your family of origin: How did your parents interact growing up? How did your parents show you love? What made them happy? What made them angry? What was their relationship like with money and time? How much value did they place on accomplishments or status? Take note of these journal prompts and let yourself get honest. You’ll be surprised by what shows up on the page.
Taking the first step: Now that you’ve meditated, journalled and unpacked your family of origin, it’s time to take the first step. You’re clearer now. All that is required is the very best next step. Don’t be an overachiever here; just one small, messy action. You know what it is.Do it.
Tell a trusted friend or therapist: Ask them to support you in this first action; you’re never alone. Then, do this on repeat every day and watch your life become a spectacle of alignment, joy and something you built on your terms.
Find out more about Brooke Nolly’s work at brookenolly.com.
